There’s no place like home
because there is no home for me
just a place where im reminded
i became everything i said id never be…
Fell out with Ryan. He has a girlfriend now, and I guess I’m second place. He started getting cheeky with me for no reason, trying to be “alpha” infront of her. I don’t like that, I never liked that. Then we went back to his, and he started doing stuff with his girlfriend, despite her saying forcefully how she never wanted to do stuff when drunk. I walked to Jacks at 2 in the morning, 7 miles.
My parents don’t care anymore, I used to always want that, but now I just want to feel loved.
Also the girl of my dreams, told me how things aren’t going to work between us. She says its because she’s too “insecure and messed up”
I don’t feel mentally, emotionally or physically stable or capable for anything anymore.
I want to end it all. Things have got too “messy”
I have my nose pierced now. I’m also trying to give up smoking.
but I don’t see the point.
"the beys" have got a lot of shit, but I don’t care, I’m happier than ever. I never needed loads of friends, just a few true ones.
I also created this thing the other day.
”fteocg4l” - fuck the established order, chain gang for life.
Me, Lloyd and Jack run the school now. Everyones scared of us. Im not sure if I like it or not.
I’m addicted to smoking and drugs now.
I’m finally a part of something.
The beys, a group of friends that called eachother bey, but over a series of fucked up nights, realised it had begun to mean something. I am a Bey.
Me, Ryan, Kyle, Lloyd, Dec, Chyna, Charlie. etc.
I stopped counselling today. Mrs W told my mum everything.
I said it was all lies, and laughed it off. Fuck.
I’ve been researching this thing called “chain gangs” aswell.
I find it very interesting.
This “chain gang” got forced over from their homes in Africa to work for white slave owners. They overpowered their oppressors and forced the whites to work for them, before escaping home.
Me and Ryan went to a party. We got party bags.
I like Ryan. He’s turned out to be a “bestfriend”
I think that’s what they call them
been grounded after last Saturday, went out drinking down “stoner circle” in Torquay. With this guy from school called Lloyd, a guy from TCC called Ryan and two girls Keah and Shannon.
Police came down, and mum gave me a bollocking. Lloyd saved my bag for me though. I used to hate Lloyd, but he seems like he could be a friend. If there is such a thing. I’m going to start meeting this boy, Ryan aswell. But my parents have ruined everything for me, being grounded is terrible. I feel so alone. again.
i guess no one loves me
I wouldnt love me either
fuck valentines day.
Went into see counsellor, made everything worse. Fuck this, fuck that.
I’m so unsociable I can’t talk to people at all anymore. I used to be a relatively smooth talker, now I find it hard to talk infront of people for fear of saying something stupid.
I automatically assume people won’t like me, so I find it hard when people try and talk to me. I cant get past the feeling that I don’t belong.
Everything is a mess.
My birthday was nice though.
“People use drugs, legal and illegal, because their lives are intolerably painful or dull. They hate their work and find no rest in their leisure. They are estranged from their families and their neighbors. It should tell us something that in healthy societies drug use is celebrative, convivial, and occasional, whereas among us it is lonely, shameful, and addictive. We need drugs, apparently, because we have lost each other.”