Went into see counsellor, made everything worse. Fuck this, fuck that.

I’m so unsociable  I can’t talk to people at all anymore. I used to be a relatively smooth talker, now I find it hard to talk infront of people for fear of saying something stupid. 

I automatically assume people won’t like me, so I find it hard when people try and talk to me. I cant get past the feeling that I don’t belong.

Everything is a mess. 

My birthday was nice though. 

“People use drugs, legal and illegal, because their lives are intolerably painful or dull. They hate their work and find no rest in their leisure. They are estranged from their families and their neighbors. It should tell us something that in healthy societies drug use is celebrative, convivial, and occasional, whereas among us it is lonely, shameful, and addictive. We need drugs, apparently, because we have lost each other.”

Ok, so I haven’t been posting lately, i’ve just been dwelling on shit I guess. Its Christmas a week tomorrow, and my birthday on new years eve. Tis the season to be jolly, but I feel depressed as ever. I’ve been drifting more than snowflakes in the wind, literally, I dont belong to any clique group, and I always thought that was a good thing, that I could float about, but now I seem to prefer my own company. I’ve been out a lot, trying to find who I am and what makes me happy, making a lot of mistakes. For confidentiality reasons I’m not going to use anyone’s real name. But at G’s party, last Saturday, I found one of my “friends”, TS forcing himself on practically every girl there. It made me sick. He promised MD that nothing would happen, she said not to because she knew he couldnt help it, he still promised… Then he tried it on with her. And I died a little inside. She tried walking away, he wouldn’t let her, he went back and back and back, she shouted to me… and I walked away. She got with him. I died inside. She/L then came to me, I kept trying to get away because she was drunk and she was my best friend, and I didn’t want anything to regret, but after a lightsaber battle with G’s siblings and running from a dragon, I found her/ she found me again. We kissed, it was nice. Then I remembered “she’s” been my best friend for so fucking long. I’ve trusted her with everything, theres no way after all of that shit, she could still like me. I died a little more. Then I went home, now after countless rumours about all these different drugs I’ve been taken, and childish stories and lies. Death contemplates me once again. I long for somewhere to belong. I forgive TS, but I wont forget any of it.

hmm. Sigh. Too much. Sorry. Been a while. Not sure when Ill be back. Everything is shit.

Finished first in English, with a piece of work probably better than the majority of people in the lesson. Thus the teacher decides to move me? and make me sit in silence for 40 minutes. l0l. 

Wrote a poem though, one about Lewis’ eyes,
another about a voyage…

“I went on a voyage to a dark place,
where I met the boy who didnt have a face,
Nobody cared, Most were scared,
But I stayed, unafraid thus his story he shared… “

Lots of tests in school today, so stressed and uptight recently. Been listening to some new music though, and composing more shit. Also started speaking to some really lovely people.
Weather is freezing. Having to wear a vest a school shirt, cardigan blazer and Harrington jacket. Is getting quite tiresome. Its strange,

We complain about it being too hot, we complain about it being too cold,
We complain about being too young, we complain about being too old./ 

I went to be at 3am last night, “the perks of being a wallflower” really is a very good book.  I also got an offer to move to Coombeshead, I’m going to check it out next tuesday, It might end up in me moving up a year. I’m not sure I could handle a public school though. This is purely to see what a public school is like. After I hopefully pass my Grade 8 on saturday, I should be able to get bursaries from the specialist music and boarding schools I’ve been applied for. It’s all so complicated. Sigh. Spanish Gcse tomorrow, I should probably be revising, but I suck anyway. Also Science Isa homework, I know I should do it, and I had plenty of time, but it just seemed pointless, in perspective of all the other things im having to juggle right now. Mr Dow, isn’t one to shout, he’s just disapointed. Sometimes I think that makes me feel even worse…

I’ve never been a good liar. When my Mum asks me when I get home “how was school?”, I find it difficult to elaborate on every single thing I hate about the institution, I find it difficult to believe she really wants to know how school was, I find it difficult that a simple grunt as means of communication satisfied my family for an entire 2 days… 

I’ve been listening to: The Smiths - Asleep

on repeat tonight. I’m not going to preach on the assiduous ghastly clamour of the human soul captured perfectly by Morrisssey, but, I think you should listen to it too. 

 

So I caught a bus home in the early hours of sunday morning, hanging, and I smiled at everyone on the bus, and they smiled back, and that made me smile even wider. Last night was amazing, hallucinating on shrooms and drinking alcoholic beverages. Met up with people I’ve not seen in ages. The way in which SHE ran over to me screaming my name and gave me a massive hug gave me a perspective on how much I mean to people I haven’t even thought about in months haha. Its not about where you are, it’s about who you’re with. Walking 5 miles in the middle of the night, craving pot noodles really enlightened me on that matter. I always plan on escaping to somewhere far away and starting new, but no matter where I run, bad things will still catch up with me. I’m both happy and sad, and I’m still trying to understand how that could be.

Ok, I didn’t go school yesterday, because I’ve been getting so stressed for my grade 8 next Saturday, at least that’s what my mum thinks, I just can’t bear to associate with complete and utter jerks for a good 7 hours a day. So last night was crazy. Went out drinking in Torquay, almost got stopped by the police twice aha! Then went back to Charlotte’s to read “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” aloud, something which proved to be very entertaining. Parents were out at the bar and picked me up must of been about quarter to 12 or something, we had another argument about the whole “school” situation, and as Dad in his condescending tone was trying to prove he always knows best, a Car just suddenly rams into the back of us. I know you’re probably thinking that my parents were mildly intoxicated, but it turns out they hadn’t even been drinking, the guy who hit us had though. As soon as we got hit, my parents didn’t say a single word to me, my dad just told my mum he’s “going to check if the cars okay”. We sat in silence for a good 10 minutes, before the police came in, and finally asked how I was! I hadn’t done too much damage but we were right near Torbay hospital. Turns out I’ve probably just bruised my back and spine a little. Then I went to bed, and read more of “the perks of being a wallflower”, needless to say I put the book down at about 3am feeling enlightened yet even more depressed than usual.