my perfect “girlfriend” broke up with me. She says its her but i know its me. I went up “big mac cliff” to be alone. The wall haunted me stronger than its ever been, there was a physical wall of sharp rocks, i punched it without holding back for over five minutes, my knuckes have been ripped to shreds, but i just couldnt stop, i just wanted it to be quiet. I was very angry that i couldnt drown it out, it could sense my anger, i could feel something stirring inside me that hadnt been awoken in a long time, i could no longer control what i was doing, i was the wall, i could feel nothing i had no emotion, that was when it made me stand on the edge. i stood there for what seems like eternity, the voices were making me their puppet, i no longer had the will or strength to resist. That’s when i realised christofer lane, the fat harmonica kid, the lonely stoner and the popular cunt, were all alive, fighting to get out the box that had taken me. I didn’t want to kill myself because of a teenage breakup i used to be better than that, how would she feel, despite saying she doesn’t care, i didn’t want to be selfish. I walked away I rode home, and greeted my parents with a smile. its killing me inside. I need to run away, finish my 3 songs and die alone. I should probably text my support worker, but i know there would be no way of getting her back, if i ended up going back into hospital tonight. Like she would want a creature like I’ve become into her life anyway. She deserves better, you all deserve better.
I just need to silence these voices.
first time writing here in a while. a lot has happened, Ive been in and out of hospitals, waiting rooms, and been through a handful of counsellors support workers and psychiatrists after i started talking to “the wall”.
the voice took me and made me into something powerful, something fearless, the voice killed me. After getting on antidepressants and antipsychotic medication for my bipolar/schizophrenic/dissociative mess i landed myself in, stuff started getting better, I finally got a girl that is very special and i think understands me somehow, and i really like her. :)
It was my birthday today, and i got promised a party for having such a hard year, it was great seeing all the “beys” its almost as if we existed again. Jack stayed over as my best mate, felt bad for him not having his girlfriend but he was as happy as always :) i think things are starting to get better
There’s no place like home
because there is no home for me
just a place where im reminded
i became everything i said id never be…
Fell out with Ryan. He has a girlfriend now, and I guess I’m second place. He started getting cheeky with me for no reason, trying to be “alpha” infront of her. I don’t like that, I never liked that. Then we went back to his, and he started doing stuff with his girlfriend, despite her saying forcefully how she never wanted to do stuff when drunk. I walked to Jacks at 2 in the morning, 7 miles.
My parents don’t care anymore, I used to always want that, but now I just want to feel loved.
Also the girl of my dreams, told me how things aren’t going to work between us. She says its because she’s too “insecure and messed up”
I don’t feel mentally, emotionally or physically stable or capable for anything anymore.
I want to end it all. Things have got too “messy”
I have my nose pierced now. I’m also trying to give up smoking.
but I don’t see the point.
"the beys" have got a lot of shit, but I don’t care, I’m happier than ever. I never needed loads of friends, just a few true ones.
I also created this thing the other day.
”fteocg4l” - fuck the established order, chain gang for life.
Me, Lloyd and Jack run the school now. Everyones scared of us. Im not sure if I like it or not.
I’m addicted to smoking and drugs now.
I’m finally a part of something.
The beys, a group of friends that called eachother bey, but over a series of fucked up nights, realised it had begun to mean something. I am a Bey.
Me, Ryan, Kyle, Lloyd, Dec, Chyna, Charlie. etc.
I stopped counselling today. Mrs W told my mum everything.
I said it was all lies, and laughed it off. Fuck.
I’ve been researching this thing called “chain gangs” aswell.
I find it very interesting.
This “chain gang” got forced over from their homes in Africa to work for white slave owners. They overpowered their oppressors and forced the whites to work for them, before escaping home.
Me and Ryan went to a party. We got party bags.
I like Ryan. He’s turned out to be a “bestfriend”
I think that’s what they call them
been grounded after last Saturday, went out drinking down “stoner circle” in Torquay. With this guy from school called Lloyd, a guy from TCC called Ryan and two girls Keah and Shannon.
Police came down, and mum gave me a bollocking. Lloyd saved my bag for me though. I used to hate Lloyd, but he seems like he could be a friend. If there is such a thing. I’m going to start meeting this boy, Ryan aswell. But my parents have ruined everything for me, being grounded is terrible. I feel so alone. again.